Salam everyone, how's ur day? Don't forget to say Alhamdulillah for every nikmah and tests u've gone thru today for both carry their own hikmah that you're gonna get the hint someday.
That day; while rocking my son to sleep, I've just realized...
"Oh Sarah, u already have anak now! Feel like yesterday u were still 20yo and today poofff, in a blink of an eye, u're a mother!" *muka gaya mamai baru terjaga dari tidur* I uttered to myself with my eyes glued at my half-asleep adorable son. MasyaAllah how time flies. Really! :)
Talking about anak; telling u the truth, I'm one of million women in this world who had been chosen by Allah to taste how it's like to pregnant without a husband besides. Days and nights. Alone. On my own. I even had to go to the hospital for pregnancy check ups, all by myself. Have no one to massage me after a tiring day of classes and activities. No one to mourn to when my legs cramped at 3 in the mornings. No one to buy me food when I'm damn hungry to woke up at the middle of the nights. So, how it is like to pregnant alone, far from a husband and families? Two words, heart wrenching!
I still remember how everyone who came to know that I was carrying my baby alone in my campus without my husband around would voice out how strong I was, how indestructible I was to face this very challenge especially the ones who had already entitled as 'mothers' themselves. But what they neva knew was that, I merely pretended to be strong. All the time. And if u'd asked me what is the most challenging and the most difficult thing I've ever gone thru in my whole life? My answer would definitely goes to..."pretending to be strong". Yes, it's true! It is so so hard to hear everyone saying u're such a strong woman when u curved a smile in front of them every single time without they ever knew how you cried to sleep and wept at nights to gain strength to face another new day tomorrow.
I know I'm not alone in this situation. Today's challenge that demands us to work hard for money has eventually put us to be in this very circumstances, be in long distance relationship with our beloved spouse. In my case, I'm an undergraduate student, studying in KL while my husband is currently working with oil & gas company in Sabah. So we have to stay separately for the moment. However, there are many other cases where husbands and wives have to stay separately since both are working in two different states or countries.
Nevertheless, I always remind myself that my challenge is not that big enough compared to others who have had to pregnant alone while managing other growing children at the same time without being helped out by the husband around. I remember how Ustaz Ebit Lew told the story of a pregnant woman who went for pregnancy check up all alone with her 4 kids following her together to the gynae's room. MasyaAllah, as someone who had gone thru the very similar situation except for having 4 children to manage at the same time; for me, this woman is amazing and makes me wonder how can she be SUPER strong. How astounding, ain't it? I'm very positive and pretty sure that Allah had already reserved her a special place in Jannah for her to go through this big test in her life. Woman is designed by Allah to be able to endure such pain despite of our weakness and softness. Allahuakbar!
Being pregnant, Wallahi, my emotion has no different as roller coaster; going ups and downs. Being pregnant is like having unremitting PMS. You can be so gloomy and cry all day long for a reason, uncontrollable. Sometimes i don't get it how a human being has guts to actually hurt a pregnant lady. So evil! I remember that one day, someone messaged me asking to borrow my car for few days so I asked my husband first about this. For a certain reason, my husband didn't allow her to borrow the car. And I thought it just ended like that until I saw she tweet-ed about me not allowing her to have MY car. I was so shocked and cried straight away and whatsapp-ed her asking bout the tweet and she told me that the tweet was for my husband, not for me. And i was so in deep sadness because for me, husband and wife, we represent each other. When u're angry at my husband, that means you also have problem with me.
So, before i ended up our conversation, I apologized for not giving her MY car on behalf of my husband and expected her to say sorry to me too but the latter was neva happened, she was not even replying to my apology instead. I felt relieved right after that nonetheless, knowing that at least I did what I shud hv done until that one day, we both met and I wanna observe her 'perangai' and how would she treated me after that 'car case'. I expected that she would asked maybe about how my pregnancy goes on or maybe as simple as 'dah berapa bulan dah ni?" or etc but... Guess i hv expected too much from people when Allah already advised me "Never expect anything from people, expect and put hopes only on Me".
She didn't talk or say hi to me at all. No, I was not expecting that everyone would come to me to show how much they care bout me but the fact that u treated a pregnant lady like an enemy is so so indecorous. Especially when i think it's neva wrong to say NO when people is asking to borrow our belongings. And I apologize some more when there's nothing to be sorry for at the very first place! When you ask people for something they have, be thankful and appreciate them if they say YES but please respect their NO for they must have their own reason for that.
Tell you what. Sometimes, people can easily come to us and ask whatever we have; cars, jeans, etc but have they ever thought how much it costs, (read: peluh tiak) for us to get that thing that they're easily (read: senang lenang) asking for(?!) Common sense is so expensive nowadays that not everybody can afford it! Agree? *sigh*
I'm not writing this to bukak aib anyone but I wanna remind myself especially to never treat people like that especially a pregnant lady. They are so fragile and sensitive and battling something within themselves that we never can imagine. Hidup seperti roda and Allah is So Just. What you give to people, how you made them feel; be it good or bad, it will come to you again sooner or later. But not to forget, I also found many beautiful people along the way too. They are strangers that I found in malls who out of the blue say hi to me and asked "pregnant ke dik? berapa bulan dah tu? shopping sorang2 je ke?" These beautiful hearts at least made my bad days, cuing that 'strangers have the best candy' :)
On my next posts, InsyaAllah I would like to share some stories that give me motivation and inspiration on how to keep myself strong to face the so called pregnancy-journey-without-my-husband-around. And i bet these stories can boost your spirits as how it never fails to boost mine when bad days strike.
Till then..toodles!
