The bigger the test, The bigger the gift.

Salam and hi everyone! How are u doing? Hopefully all is well :)

At this very moment, I have 1 assignment due this Thursday but taa daa here I am; opening new tabs, writing new post to be posted. Procrastinator detected!!! Astaghaa macam tak biasaa ahaha ;)

Okay as promised, I would like to share some stories that inspire me big time while walking alone my pregnancy journey, apart from my husband and families. I remember how I had to buy breakfast, lunch, brunch, dinner, supper, sahur (ala kata mengandung memang keje aku nak makan je 24/7) buy groceries, attending classes, going for pregnancy monthly check ups allllll by myself with perut memboyot and memberat dari hari ke hari. Woahh, just realized i'm such a sado independent strong tough young lady, didn't I? *insert smirk emoji here* Kalah abam abam sado angkat dumbell 30kilos

That time, I was quite in sorrow, thinking about this test (read: mengenangkan nasib diri) from Allah. Plus with additional tests I had been thru to deal with oddities who I think might be born and bred with no common sense within themselves. How pity these bunch of people, aite? *shaking my head* 

Anyway...

During my pregnancy check up on that fine day, Doctor had confirmed the gender of my baby and it's a boy! Walaupon hati tergugat tengok baju baby girl mak aih menangesss lawanyaa T___T Deep down, I was so happy because that always be my dream to have a baby boy to be my first child since ever. Dulu sejak dari sekolah, kalau orang tanya nak anak laki ke pompuan for first child mesti jawab nak anak laki dulu. MasyaAllah, Allah really makbulkan :) See, our words is do'a sebab tu kena cakap yang baik baik selalu. 

And suddenly, I can see the relation and connection all clearly. Out of the blue, it crossed my mind about the story of Maryam ibnu Imran. To cut the story short, Maryam was so shocked to know she was pregnant and due to the embarrassment, she withdrew herself from her families and people. Although this news about she's carrying a baby might caused her some agony, especially to think about the people's judgement on her, Allah kept her safe and granted her with food and provision. I always believe that 'disebalik ujian, ada kegembiraan yang Allah simpankan'. The bigger the test, the bigger the gift. To proof this right, despite the hardships of Maryam, Allah grants her a son, not an ordinary son but turns out to be among those who are loved and blessed by Allah. A son who grew up to be a Prophet. And he is our beloved Prophet Isa AS (Jesus) MasyaAllah ;) 

Now back to my story. Every time I feel like giving up, sad and tired of being alone doing everything that I think a pregnant lady shall not be doing, I will always remember this story of Maryam. Oh, one of that ordinary things I did back then was driving from KL to Terengganu and then again from Terengganu to KL all alone by myself when I was 5 or 6 months pregnant. Thinking back, I feel like tabik spring to myself boleh taakkk?! HAHA. Anyway, I always remind myself that I'm so so lucky to at least understand and got a chance to taste and feel how Maryam felt to pregnant alone long long time ago. She's truly my number 1 idol on that very time. I always be like 24/7 hungry and leaving in hostel had forced me to buy food in every meal time. To make my story seems more dramatic, during my pregnancy, I was quite choosy and picky in terms of food which it neva sounds like me before. All I wanted was western food, I wanted chicken chop, chicken grills, KFC for every single meal time; KFC for breakfast, KFC for lunch, KFC for dinner, KFC for supper and I can't stand more than a day without having KFC. Hahaha crazy aint it?! *sigh* Well, nothing is logic and make sense when you're pregnant. I don't even know what am i at times. LOL :D

Wanting KFC all the time means I have to go out to KFC everyday and every time. Sounds so tiring for a pregnant lady to have such routine, donchu think so? HAHA *deep sigh* Deep down, I was really hoping to have my husband by my side to buy me KFC wheneva I feel like having but dontchu dream la Sarah. It's neva gonna happen so i have to drive alone by myself to KFC albeit how tired and tak larat I was; only Allah knows it all. I lost all the appetite to eat cafe's food so buying food other than KFC's means wasted and I will end up cranky and shaky all day long. So, by hook or by crook, for the sake of the baby i'm carrying, KFC anyway! I even drove while crying many many times because I was so angry sometimes, thinking that all this job was my husband's to provide what I wanna eat. But, u wish Sarah, u wish.... This very situation; I taste it alone, face it alone with trying hard to be positive and hypnosis my self that my bounty from Allah must be so enormous that He makes me face all this challenges. Husband, if you read this, please know that you should be thankful to Allah coz you actually has been granted with a super strong and tough mother to your son. So please appreciate me in every possible way! You got me?! *bini garang*  :D

I always think that I'm quite similar to Maryam especially when I'm also granted with a son like her. Maryam faced all that hurdles and as a gift, Allah granted her with MasyaAllah a great Insan who is a Prophet. I dunno whether this is a 'suratan or kebetulan' but since I'm also granted a son from Allah, deep down inside, I know my son's gonna be someone with a great Iman and Taqwa to Allah as well as having beautiful manners and Akhlaq to people around him one day. A mother to The Chosen Men aka Prophet had to go thru all that obstacles and hindrances in life to be blessed by Allah with such a gift. So, I'm really positive that I'm gonna get the same InsyaAllah. I shouldn't be sad; I should be proud instead. Because not many women can go thru what I grappled with.

And nope, the tests from Allah didn't stop with the end of my pregnancy but He gives me another bigger challenges right after that which is to be apart from my son and husband. This hit sends me straight to the abyss. I almost lose hopes and grip due to this woe until one day, Allah sparked me with another story of a strong woman in history of Islam who is the mother of Prophet Musa AS.

Yes, that emptiness; there's no joke man. This heart, it never feels THIS empty before, believe me! To leave your son, I mean a helpless baby to the river all alone by himself; thinking who's gonna bump into him at the end of the river, how he's gonna feed himself, will he survive or not; enough to make you feel empty, fell into a great despair. Only a super strong-hearted-mother can have guts to do this with the helps from Allah. The mother of Prophet Musa put her full trust and Tawakal in Allah. And in that ayah above, Allah tells how she was about to disclose because she almost lost her battle in struggling her heart of being apart from his beloved son SubhanaAllah. This story of the mother of Prophet Musa left her son in the river inspires and motivates me to be strong too. I know Allah is testing me again whether I really put my 100% trust in Him or not, whether I put my 100% Tawakal in Him or not. But crying myself out of sadness because of this doesn't mean I do not believe in Him. I'm crying to ask strength and mercy from Him to go thru this veritable situation.

For my son to be apart from his both parents at this young age like Prophet Musa AS, I pray that Allah makes my son grows up to be as great as His Chosen Men. For a mother to leave his baby at home alone with the grandparents to be the son's guardian, I pray that Allah rewards me a son with a beautiful heart, close to Allah and Rasulullah and loved by each and everyone around him in Dunya and Akhirah, Ameen ya rabbal alamin.

Now, it all makes sense why Allah tells all these stories in Quran. He is actually telling these beautiful stories to the people like me, for us to hang on and wait for His hikmah to clearly appear, one day. And I know Allah led me to the stories of Maryam and the mother of Prophet Musa AS out of the blue not for nothing, but to give me strength that I always ask for each time in my solah.

I know my tests from Allah is not THAT big compared to others. Because each and everyone of us is tested with different issues according to our capabilities. But what ever situation you are in right now, try to look at a bright side of it. Cry, just cry when you feel like to because crying is not a symbol of weakness, it's a cue that you have been strong for too long. Please bear in mind that Allah knows it all. And remember regardless of how deep your love to your son, Allah loves you more than your love to him. If that so, that means He will never abandon this tears. This tears is not for nothing but it worth something. Something that I still dunno as yet. But once I get that from Him, I will open the wrap up and letchu guys know the content inside, I promise. I'm so excited and can't wait to know what it might be. Hm, let's take a guess, what could it possibly be? ;))

"It's okay to cry, the sky does it too" - Unknown.

Till then, 

Daa...

Coz you're the Heartbeat, I'm the Heart.

Salam everyone. 

*Before reading this post, can you please do me a favor? :) Open this link and read this post while listening to it.* 

Okay, now u're ready? :))

On my previous post, I've promised u to share the stories that keep me goin, motivated and inspired to head up my pregnancy journey, alone, without my husband or families around. But today, i don't feel like sharing that just yet coz I hv another thing to share which is also related to my previous post. InsyaAllah i will share bout that maybe after this post(?) Haha so sorry i'm so random liddat. I can neva plan anything ahead coz i always end up doing another thing, regardless teehee :)

Okay let's get back to what stuck inside my head right now. During my pregnancy, I always thought that Allah is given me a BIG test to carry my son alone without my husband by my side. Little did I know that the fact of parting from my son, I mean my 40 days old son; the sadness is BEYOND imagination! That particular test, it's tremendous! I remember how I told Allah that I still can go through his test of parting from my husband even when i'm pregnant but there's no way i can carry this burden of parting from my son. No way! Sounds impossible for me! For more than 9 months, he's with me, ate what I ate, felt what I felt, cried when I cried, frowned when I was stress and smiled when I was happy. To be apart from him, ibarat badan tak berjantung.

Oh, forgot to tell, I have to be apart from him because i hv to finish my very last 2 months of my degree life. To make a long story short, in succinctly, Allah left me with no choice and alternative but to leave him with my parents in kampung for the sake of his goodness and safety, for me to do what i hafta do. But that's not my idea at all. That one day during my confinement, my parents came to me and told me their thoughts and offered to take care of my son, worrying that I will find trouble of taking care of him alone in my campus since their grandson was still small, not even reach 2 months yet on that time. They insisted me to finish my studies as soon as possible so I can be with my small lil family in a jiffy!

In order to lessen my parents' burden of having to take care of him, my husband and I asked my parents to send him off to nursery near my parents' house from 7 am to 4.30 pm from Monday to Thursday. I go back home every Friday till Sunday to take care of him myself. With that, they only have to take care of my son during the nights and i'm so grateful that my son loves to sleep from Maghrib or sometimes after Isyak till Subuh. He only wakes up for milk but still feeding with his eyes close. What a blessing to have someone who's willing to be with you in your darkest time and i'm even so lucky to have my parents to be that 'someone'. I know, in my hardship, there are so much more for me to be grateful of and one of them is having supportive parents, family and husband and not to forget, Jemahs (my besties).

I bid my son adieu in tears every time im leaving. Every single time. Not an ordinary tears but a mother's tears. There's a lot of things lingering inside my head; worrying will he be okay without me, will the nursery take care of him like how a mother would take care of him, will he miss me like i do, did he know and understand about us being apart, can he sleep well through the nights, is he gonna trouble my parents with his tantrum and crankiness and the questions go on and on... I usually hide my sadness in front of my parents coz i don't want them to be worried about me. I may look calm and happy in front of them but this sorrow, it's all in Allah's savvy.

Telling u what, a bond between a mother and child is so MasyaAllah amazing. Never had crossed my mind that a not-even-2-months-old child would has a precocious talent to know that he's apart from his mother but my son actually does! According to my parents, usually the night i left home, he will sleep late around 11-12 pm and a bit cranky as if he's searching for my voice. And the day i'm home, he will become more happier and playful as if he feels i'm near him. Everywhere i go, i can see his cheeky smile and adorable face, i even saw him on a kitten's face i found in my campus! See how hard i'm struggling within myself, day by day in my campus without him. But again pretending to be strong in front of everybody.

This test from Allah thought me a valuable thing which is to appreciate every single moment i spend with him. Every time i'm home, i'll make sure that it's me who clean his pee and poo, rock him to sleep, sleep besides him every night, talk to him about everything to make he goes "aaaa" and "aaaaa" to me as if he's telling me too what was happening when i'm not around. Sometimes i cried during our talking session to comes to realize why this innocent baby has to go through this; away from his parents. To keep me positive, I always remind myself that "Disebalik kesedihan dan kesulitan ini, pasti ada hadiah dan kegembiraan besar yang menanti di penghujung hari". 

I dunno what's the gift behind this that Allah reserves specially for me that I have to undergo such test but i keep faithing in Him. Maybe my son's gonna be a great successful person one day to Islam that He makes him away from his parents now like what happened to Prophet Musa AS, or maybe Allah wanna gimme a job that I always dreams of before my convocation or maybe He reserves me something special in Jannah. Who knows, aite? But I trust in Him. More that that, despite all this things that i'm complaining about, I always have much more things to be grateful of. At least, I still have my parents, husband, families and a child with me in this Dunya. At least, I can still be able to go back home every week to see my son grow bigger and smarter. At least, Allah blesses me with supportive and understanding friends, helping me in my hard times. She's my orange. Dear orange, thank you for your time and helps, pegi amek aku kat airport. You're always in my do'a. 

Nonetheless, away from my child doesn't make me a bad mother after all. It's not that i'm willing to leave him but current situation forces me to it. Frankly speaking, I think there are so many people out there who are so damn lucky to stay together as a family but due to busyness, a mother might come back home at night to sleeping child and has no chance to play and talk to her child eventually. Some people might be housewives and stay together with husband and children under one roof but the one who cooks for the family is the maid, the one who has to clean the children's poo and pee is the maid, the one who feeds their children with bare hands is the maid, the one who the children talk the most is the maid. They might not realized about this situation because they dunno how it feels like to be away from husband and children and they never know how much the people like me has to pay just for us to meet our child and husband on weekends or holidays. 

Dear Sonshine, Mommy dedicates this song for you :) Please know that I mean it; every single verse of it. *crying*

Aashiyaana mera saath tere hai na
Dhoondte teri gali mujhko ghar mila
Aab-o-daana mera haath tere hai na
Dhoondte tera khuda mujhko Rab mila

Tu jo mila lo ho gaya main qaabil
Tu jo mila to ho gaya sab haasil haan
Mushkil sahi aasaan huyi manzil

Kyunki tu dhadkan
Main dil <3 

"Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love" - George Eliot.

"It's not the goodbyes that hurt but the flashback that follow" - Unknown.

Till then...

Alone doesn't mean lonely; Allah is within.

Salam everyone, how's ur day? Don't forget to say Alhamdulillah for every nikmah and tests u've gone thru today for both carry their own hikmah that you're gonna get the hint someday. 

That day; while rocking my son to sleep, I've just realized...

"Oh Sarah, u already have anak now! Feel like yesterday u were still 20yo and today poofff, in a blink of  an eye, u're a mother!" *muka gaya mamai baru terjaga dari tidur*  I uttered to myself with my eyes glued at my half-asleep adorable son. MasyaAllah how time flies. Really! :)

Talking about anak; telling u the truth, I'm one of million women in this world who had been chosen by Allah to taste how it's like to pregnant without a husband besides. Days and nights. Alone. On my own. I even had to go to the hospital for pregnancy check ups, all by myself. Have no one to massage me after a tiring day of classes and activities. No one to mourn to when my legs cramped at 3 in the mornings. No one to buy me food when I'm damn hungry to woke up at the middle of the nights. So, how it is like to pregnant alone, far from a husband and families? Two words, heart wrenching!

I still remember how everyone who came to know that I was carrying my baby alone in my campus without my husband around would voice out how strong I was, how indestructible I was to face this very challenge especially the ones who had already entitled as 'mothers' themselves. But what they neva knew was that, I merely pretended to be strong. All the time. And if u'd asked me what is the most challenging and the most difficult thing I've ever gone thru in my whole life? My answer would definitely goes to..."pretending to be strong". Yes, it's true! It is so so hard to hear everyone saying u're such a strong woman when u curved a smile in front of them every single time without they ever knew how you cried to sleep and wept at nights to gain strength to face another new day tomorrow. 

I know I'm not alone in this situation. Today's challenge that demands us to work hard for money has eventually put us to be in this very circumstances, be in long distance relationship with our beloved spouse. In my case, I'm an undergraduate student, studying in KL while my husband is currently working with oil & gas company in Sabah. So we have to stay separately for the moment. However, there are many other cases where husbands and wives have to stay separately since both are working in two different states or countries. 

Nevertheless, I always remind myself that my challenge is not that big enough compared to others who have had to pregnant alone while managing other growing children at the same time without being helped out by the husband around. I remember how Ustaz Ebit Lew told the story of a pregnant woman who went for pregnancy check up all alone with her 4 kids following her together to the gynae's room. MasyaAllah, as someone who had gone thru the very similar situation except for having 4 children to manage at the same time; for me, this woman is amazing and makes me wonder how can she be SUPER strong. How astounding, ain't it? I'm very positive and pretty sure that Allah had already reserved her a special place in Jannah for her to go through this big test in her life. Woman is designed by Allah to be able to endure such pain despite of our weakness and softness. Allahuakbar!

Being pregnant, Wallahi, my emotion has no different as roller coaster; going ups and downs. Being pregnant is like having unremitting PMS. You can be so gloomy and cry all day long for a reason, uncontrollable. Sometimes i don't get it how a human being has guts to actually hurt a pregnant lady. So evil! I remember that one day, someone messaged me asking to borrow my car for few days so I asked my husband first about this. For a certain reason, my husband didn't allow her to borrow the car. And I thought it just ended like that until I saw she tweet-ed about me not allowing her to have MY car. I was so shocked and cried straight away and whatsapp-ed her asking bout the tweet and she told me that the tweet was for my husband, not for me. And i was so in deep sadness because for me, husband and wife, we represent each other. When u're angry at my husband, that means you also have problem with me. 

So, before i ended up our conversation, I apologized for not giving her MY car on behalf of my husband and expected her to say sorry to me too but the latter was neva happened, she was not even replying to my apology instead. I felt relieved right after that nonetheless, knowing that at least I did what I shud hv done until that one day, we both met and I wanna observe her 'perangai' and how would she treated me after that 'car case'. I expected that she would asked maybe about how my pregnancy goes on or maybe as simple as 'dah berapa bulan dah ni?" or etc but... Guess i hv expected too much from people when Allah already advised me "Never expect anything from people, expect and put hopes only on Me". 

She didn't talk or say hi to me at all. No, I was not expecting that everyone would come to me to show how much they care bout me but the fact that u treated a pregnant lady like an enemy is so so indecorous. Especially when i think it's neva wrong to say NO when people is asking to borrow our belongings. And I apologize some more when there's nothing to be sorry for at the very first place! When you ask people for something they have, be thankful and appreciate them if they say YES but please respect their NO for they must have their own reason for that. 

Tell you what. Sometimes, people can easily come to us and ask whatever we have; cars, jeans, etc but have they ever thought how much it costs, (read: peluh tiak) for us to get that thing that they're easily (read: senang lenang) asking for(?!) Common sense is so expensive nowadays that not everybody can afford it! Agree? *sigh*

I'm not writing this to bukak aib anyone but I wanna remind myself especially to never treat people like that especially a pregnant lady. They are so fragile and sensitive and battling something within themselves that we never can imagine. Hidup seperti roda and Allah is So Just. What you give to people, how you made them feel; be it good or bad, it will come to you again sooner or later. But not to forget, I also found many beautiful people along the way too. They are strangers that I found in malls who out of the blue say hi to me and asked "pregnant ke dik? berapa bulan dah tu? shopping sorang2 je ke?" These beautiful hearts at least made my bad days, cuing that 'strangers have the best candy' :)  

On my next posts, InsyaAllah I would like to share some stories that give me motivation and inspiration on how to keep myself strong to face the so called pregnancy-journey-without-my-husband-around. And i bet these stories can boost your spirits as how it never fails to boost mine when bad days strike.

Till then..toodles!

It's been a while!

Salam everyone.

Feel like making an incredible come back on blog. But now im in a rush. So, next time maybe(?)

Till then!